A Critique, or Something Very Nearly Like One
by Broken Musket
Summary: 1998. And their excuse for a film. A paper I did for extra credit. Much film bashing. T for language. First chapter up. Please R&R.
1. Nessy, Mustard, and Constipation

Here is the dealio. I am taking a high school film course. (Which is scary, because everyone is at least three years older than me, and everyone looks like they want to hurt me. Seriously, the high school where I live is CrEePy.) So. My teacher? She is totally into Les Miserables. You know, the one by Victor Hugo. Which is pretty damn cool, considering. So. We had to critique a film. Being that everything I do lately is totally Victor Hugo related, I decided to watch Les Miserables. I went to the library, and found one choice. Well, not really knowing what I was getting myself into, I checked it out. I will say one thing: 1998. So, I wrote the paper, and I made it all polite and formal, which means that I didn't mean a word of it. Und dann, meine Lehrerin sagt: Meinst du dass, oder sagts du dass nur so? Actually, she was speaking English, but I have a German exam coming up soon, which means that by occasionally breaking out into German I feel like I'm not really procrastinating. So, I told her the truth, that I didn't mean a word of it. She said she figured that. Wait a minute... I write something that is formal and polite... and she says it doesn't sound like me...? HEY! So, she told me that if I wanted to, I could write another paper for E.C. She gave me full liberty to write ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. Brilliant. This is what ensued. Have fun. I'll let you know when she gets back to me with comments.

Just a little warning: There is occasional swearing in this. But, id you've seen the 1998 version, then you're fine, because I've checked, and all curses used in this document were also in that movie. Which means that if you can watch it, you should be able to read it. There.

I don't own anything. You wanna sue someone, sue someone who you can actually get money from.

* * *

Les Miserables. The book title alone reeks greatness. Reeks, I tell you. And not even a slight reek. It's a reeky reek that reeks of reeky-ness. So, naturally, even a movie based on the book must be spectacular, right? Wrong. Liam Neeson and Geoffery Rush were both perfectly cast, and each did a beautiful job in their own right. However, several key characters had their roles severly shortened, or even eliminated entirley. (I love alliteration.) Javert's character was terribly mis-interperated, and I am told that this is an all too common problem, because the writers simply do not read closley enough. I put none of that blame on Rush, however- as I said before both he and Neeson did splendidly with what they were given to work with-- not much. (Warning: This last paragraph was about as analytical as the whole thing will get. The rest is pretty much a detailed summary with the occasional bash. Enjoy, if you can.)

The film begins. A pair of hands which I assume are connected to arms, which may in fact be connected to a human body are trifling through a box. At least I think it's a box.

Cut to a lake. Is this Les Miserables on Ice? Have they made Nessy a character? Or maybe it's just a lake. In any case, a bunch of names start coming onto the screen, and they are annoying for two reasons. One, I only know a couple of them. Two, they are blocking the pretty lake even though I am stil searching for Nessy.

Cut to a very large man in a brown jacket. It isn't a very nice jacket. It actually looks rather icky. But it's big and has a cool hood. That has got to count for something. The man is limping and has the sniffles. This makes my empathetic side twitch.

Cut to an old woman poking said man with a stick while he is trying to sleep. The reviewer tells the old woman that it isn't very nice to poke people with sticks, especially when they have a cool coat and the sniffles. But then she tells the man to ask a door for charity. Or perhaps she meant the people living on the other side of the door.

He does. A bishop answers. There is someone standing next to the bishop. She looks like she is either a flounder pretending to be a woman, or a woman who looks unfortunatley like a flounder. Is that why they call it Les Miserables? The man with the cool hood ends up being Jean Valjean. I am going to go off on a little tangent here. When I saw that Liam Neeson was to play Valjean, I was relativley happy because Neeson is incredibly talented. I have to say that he did beautifully with what he was given to work with. That is all I will say for now.

Jean Valjean explains that he is a convict, who has been in jail for, like, ever, and stuff. He has to go all the way to Dijon. This makes me suspicious... what could he want from a jar of mustard? So any way, he whips off his hood, and we get our first good glimpse of his face, which is amazingly cool... in a "I'm starving to death both physically and emotionally, and that makes me a bad boy" kind of way. The bishop invites Valjean in to eat and stay the night.

Valjean does not have very good table manners. Then again, neither do I. The bishops says something about the fact that man can be unjust. Valjean says: "Man, not God?" This makes my scientific/logical/agnostic side twitch.

Later that night, Valjean has a nightmare. He gets beat up in it, which really sucks. And he bites a gaurd in the leg, which I'm sure probably sucked as well. So, even though he JUST had a nightmare about how terrible prison was, he decides the best thing to do is to steal a buch of the bishop's silver. This is obviously a brilliant plan, especially seeing that if he were ever caught, -cough- he could totally come up with a logical explanation of why he has thousands of francs worth of silver tucked under his arm.

So there he is, putting some silver spoons into his little knap-sack thing, when in walks the bishop. Valjean decides that it is a good idea to hide behind a cabinet. This, to me, is hilarious, because Valjean is probably about six inches taller than said cabinet. The bishop finds him after about half a second. Valjean steps out of the shadows, and stares menacingly at the bishop. And then? He pops him one, right in the eye. I never, in a million years, could have thoght I would be writing this next sentence: Watching Liam Neeson beat up an elderly man was more enjoyable than I would have expected. Valjean owns, and then sprits out the door and off screen? Wither did he go? The world may never know. (Don't worry, you'll see him again later. I was just trying to be dramatic. Or... something. Besides, it rhymed.)

Cut to the bishop beating up the ground with a big, flat thing. Flounder is sitting at a table crying. (Hey, Flounder, why the long face? Yes, I do crack myself up.) Then the bishop says "So we'll use wooden spoos! And I don't want to hear any more about it!" No, that wasn't a typo. He really does say spoos. But in the context of what happened the night previous, I was able to deduce that he did, in fact, mean to say 'spoons.'

And then? A bunch of gendarmes are all helping to carry in a very not-struggling Valjean, nearly knocking over come of the bishop's lovley begonias. (I actually don't know if they were begonias or not. I just said it because, let's face it, I can.) Now, I don't really think that a three to one ratio is really needed in this situation seeing as Valjean is probably exaughsted, and still emotionally starving, even though he had a lovely dinner last night, but the gendarmes obviously don't think the way I do. Apparently Valjean has been re-arrested. Valjean looks very jedi-ish at the moment. No, really. So, the bishop lies for Valjean and says that the silver was a gift. the gendarmes un-re-arrest him. After it is just the bishop and Valjean left in the garden, the bishop makes Valjean promise that he will use the silver to become a new man. I will give credit here to Billie August for an amazing and relativley heart-wrenching close-up of Jean Valjean. And then he ruins the moment by letting... the screen... fade... slow... ly... to... black...

CUT! To ominous sounding music, and a guy riding in a carriage. It's nine years later, if you wanted to know. We don't know the guy's name yet, but we've seen him before... Oh, yes. He was the guy that tried to assault Valjean in prison, and got his leg bit. Lovley to meet you, you sonbitch.

The guy goes into an official looking building and is very shrewd to a man in uniform who offers him some food. Apparently, the guy from the carriage is named Javert. Ah, that explains the cool looking side burns. (Damn it! DAMN IT! At this point I can already tell they've gone the sadistic, cruel, emotionless, NOT sarcastic, stick in the mud, pain it the ass Javert. WHY? Why must they completley ignore the cool, 'just doin' my job,' James Bond-ish, sarcastic, 'look, I have a personality Javert?' You know, the one it's actually possible to feel sorry for? Ugh.) Javert has just been made the head of the Vigou police. Well, isn't that swell?

Javert goes to see the mayor. Said mayor looks strangley like Jean Valjean. Wait a minute... that's Liam Neeson! Holy crap, Liam Neeson has two roles in one film! Oh... wait... nevermind... it's the same guy, he's just pretending to be someone else. Well, how pleasing. despite the fact that they've totally destroyed Javert, this is going along with the book... mostly. So, Javert meets the mayor, who has some kind of senior citizen attack, or something, because he starts staring really hard at Javert, and is having trouble hearing. Either that, or he's constipated.

* * *

Okay, that's all for now. So, if you couldn't really tell, I didn't really care for the movie. Oh, well. There will be more later. I figured I'd break this up a bit, seeing as it's super long. Chiao.


	2. The Oval Office and Relationships

Well. It is official. I have entered the seventh grade. (MEEP.) And for some reason, I thought of this. And I got really angry with myself for not bothering to put the rest up, especially after all the reviews I got for chapter one. Needless to say, I got the paper back long ago, with comments from the teacher. I shall put those into the story in bold when the whole thing has been put up. So. On with it. (By the way, thank you so much to everyone who bothered to read. I love you. Not literally, but who needs the _**truth**_ these days?)

* * *

Once the mayor no longer finds himself a victim to a sever case of bowel lockage, he mumbles his way through an introduction with Loserbutt!Javert. Which makes me think that he should really work on his public speaking. (Along with another public official who shall remain nameless and who currently spends most of his days in the Oval Office.) Because mayors ought to be good at that kind of thing, you know.

Cut to a factory with a bunch of women working in it. The Factory Overseer Head Lady Woman is giving Javert and Captain B a tour of the factory. By the way, Captain B really makes me happy. For one thing, he looks like a gray haired monkey. Number two, he is really little. This is hilarious. Three, his sideburns are bigger than he is. Which is also hilarious. And? He is the only one in the movie who doesn't have and English accent. Except for Liam Neeson. But he's god, so he doesn't count. Can I just say one thing about the Factory Overseer Head Lady Woman? Her voice really bothers me. And she looks like my gradmother, which isn't very comforting either. I assure you, it's not.

So, anyways. Fantine, like, totally screws up and everyone starts glaring at her. I was ready for Javert to send her to Toulon for nineteen years. But, wait, that already happened. (I still haven't forgotten Nessy or the jar of mustard. I'm sure they must come in somewhere.) While Fantine is suffering through the death glare (or maybe it is the other way around... seriously. Fantine already looks so disgustingly pitiful that it makes me want to shoot myself- or... jump off of a bridge,) she drops a letter. I'm assuming this is important.

Why? Because the camera kind of forgets that there are actually people in the room, and just sort of stares at the letter for the next fifteen minutes of the movie.

Fantine gets fired. Because she had a kid. Yeah. And the kid lives with these people, called the Thenardiers. And apparently, Cosette (the kid,) is just having the time of her life there.

Fantine sells a chair, and has one hell of a nice landlord.

Fantine sells her hair.

Fantine gets the sniffles.

Fantine gets another letter. The Thenardiers need more money, because Cosette is 'growing bigger by the minute.' Woah.

Fantine becomes a prostitute.

Is it just me, or am I spending way to much time with this girl? We're practically in a relationship at this point. And to tell you the truth, I just don't think I'm ready for that kind of commitment right now.

We finally take a break from the lovable little prostitute and get back to the mayor. (Thank St. Just, I was really starting to worry about him.) He goes and saves some old guy from being crushed to death by a cart. Which, by all accounts, was really cool of him. And for a minute, I considered making fun of his facial expressions. But I got caught up in the heroics of it all and decided that Liam!Valjean was far too cool to be mocked at that point in time. (That didn't stop me from laughing at the old guy, Lafite. I know that it's really terrible, because, let's face it, he was in excruciating pain. But it was hilarious. It really was, I swear.) Then Javert goes all nostalgic on our asses. Yes, --insert teacher's name here-- I said 'asses.' (You said you wanted honest.)

Javert goes home. At least, I'm assuming it's home. That is to say, there is nothing in particular which would be indicative of the fact that it is or isn't a home. Other that the fact, of course, that Javert seemed at home there. He paces for a bit. And then snorts some crack. Now, book Javert, as we both know is partial to snuff. But, seeing as movie Javert is nothing but a policeman with unbelievable recall and a stick up his ass, I've decided that he is addicted to crack. Well, if they can make assumptions about the character, I can too.

Javert goes to the Turf d' l' Whores. Or something. And he watches with something like sadistic satisfaction while Fantine gets the shit beaten out of her by a bunch of baboons pretending to be citizens. Then, he goes, and kicks Fantine in the face, and tells the baboons to go home. The baboons are quick to follow instructions, scampering away on all fours. Which sounds more like a dog than a baboon, but you get the picture.

Fantine very nearly gets arrested. (And were back onto the same track as we were before. Look, stupid: I told you I'm not ready for any sort of commitment! Stop calling my house when you know I'm not home! Or something.) But then Valjean comes in, and is all: "It's cool. She can go."

But then Javert is all: "No, it isn't cool. She's staying."

And then Valjean is all: "You're dismissed!" So Javert kind of stands there, and gives him the death stare. Which Valjean is totally immune to. So, Javert stands there trying to intimidate Valjean by making all these funny grimaces, which doesn't work. So Valjean just gives him a look which is part way between: "_I could effing kill you_," and part way between: "_Um... what are you doing...?_" So Javert leaves. And Valjean looks at Fantine and is all: "You can go."

So Fantine is all: --faints--

* * *

More to come tomorrow! I forgot how _long_ this is!


End file.
